so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
