Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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