You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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