Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
