People in love make me want to vomit
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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