Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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