i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
