Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
