I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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