i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
