Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
