I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize