So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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