I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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