You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We talked him into tasing himself.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
