I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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