dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
