would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You ate ashes out of my bong
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize