i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
