Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
