I will die if light touches me.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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