I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
