in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize