he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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