I'm lost and stupid without you.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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