Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
