ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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