Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
