I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
