so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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