He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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