She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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