Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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