Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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