i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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