how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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