woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
