can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
