Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize