The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
