lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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