I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
