i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
