I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
