i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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