We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
