that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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