i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
