maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
