I skipped work to stalk him.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
