the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
