Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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