Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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