We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
