She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
