I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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