A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
