I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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