Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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