Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
