So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We left the knife in your bed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize