We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
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